A Woman’s Personal Fifty Days to Fifty Years: A Loving Tribute as a Geropsychologist. Day 40 “Even if you believe everything is meaningless and a random series of events by chance, your ability to make meaning out of what happens is Divine.”— Dr. Manju

3/1/2020 40 days to fifty

“Even if you believe everything is meaningless and a random series of events by chance, your ability to make meaning out of what happens is Divine.”— Dr. Manju

This is so true! I see other people making milestones in their lives at the lifespan trajectory continues, yet here I am…still strategizing about my career and wishing things were better. It “should” (should statements are cognitive distortions), have been better, hell even easier than this.

I see these sci-fi movies making major leaps in the box office. Hmmm. As a newly claimed “child of the cosmos”, my response to anyone who immediately asks, “Where are you from?” without knowing a smidgeon of my humanity. These cosmic, sentient forces that people can relate with…not so far fetched from the different manifestations of Brahma via all the Gods, Goddessess and hybrids of humans and animals. Surely premonitions, intuition, “close calls”, deja vus… all by random chance without explanation, even explanation beyond human reasoning? Well, even if everything is meaninglesss and random, my ability to make meaning out of what happens is amazing. In fact, it is Divine.

And so it is 40 days to 50 years of age for me. That makes me relfect on letting go of my 40’s with love. Bittersweet. A friend of mine and I were talking about heterosexual relationships and she clued me in to the preconceived notion that women in their 40’s are nymphs. Looking back at that conversation, that is (sort of) funny, in a sitcom way. I wonder, what will the 50s be like? Older women 50 and beyond used to tell mme that “When you’re over 50, you’re invisible.” A patient of mine at a group practice told me this as she discussed being layed off from her job. I remember jumping in and saying (as an almost 39-year old), slightly defensively to downplay the advantges of female youth, “Even when you’re 40.” No, my 40s were a gift with a lot of pain. Looking for Mr.Right to start a family. Calling adoption agencies, hoping that the prospects of adopting a child from Nepal would brighten. Perhaps other foreign countries would lessen the requiremments that appeared even more difficult for single wwomen to adopt? Going to fertility clinics and attending Single Women by Choice meetings, considering having a child without a man. Heckk, I even sponsored a child in Nepal only to learn that her biological mother murdered her and her brother due to family strife. This is unheard of among Sherpas, so that was mortifying, not only tragic. For my plethora of health issues, I couldn’t have a child of my own without being partnered. I wonder how I will feel about that after 50, on my deathbed? Flashbacks of one of my patients who had flesh eating syndrome, also had been recovering in subacute physical therapy and with a chronic medical condition I have as well, told me of her miscarriage. She was in her apartment, screaming while witnessing her baby’s umbilical cord come out of her body. That memory burned into my soul.
Another patient who was very cognitively impaired looked at me before our session formally began. I do not disclose my personal life very much with patients, so it is amazing what her higher self picked up without my disclosure while working with her. She said, “You feel bad that you never married and had children.” Thhen she continued compassionately, “There is a lot of problems that happen when you marry and have kids. God knew that was too much for you to handle. So, don’t feel bad about it.” My patient, married twice and bore 4 children, was not even being condescending, pitying or self-righteoous. It seemed as if she were channeling in to a higher force and delivering a message as a medium. She conveyed that my singledom and childlessness was an act of compassion by God.

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